The Era of the Great Vibrating Bathroom

It seems there’s no grooming tool of any kind in your bathroom that can’t be upgraded to one that vibrates these days. It started with the relatively innocent and luxurious pulsing shower head. OK, I admit it. When I was living in Louisiana, working from 6:30am until it was too dark to work, doing manual labor and trudging around on top of flatbed trucks all day in uncomfortable boots in the hot sun, I wanted one of these. But that was just the beginning.

Next was the vibrating, rotating, pulsating toothbrush. These are essentially the DeWalt power drill in a safer form, for chiseling off whatever you’ve apparently welded onto your teeth. Either that, or it’s meant for people too lazy to move their arms back and forth for two minutes to brush their teeth manually. OK, another disclaimer. I own one. I do think it’s a little ridiculous in retrospect. I think I did as good a job on my own.

The last straw, though, is the vibrating razor.

I’m not talking about an electric shaver, mind you. Those are a separate rant altogether. Why anyone would spend $150+ on a shaver is beyond me. I’m talking about what basically amounts to a standard Gillette Mach3 razor, that you buy in the toothpaste/deoderant aisle, equipped with a AA battery, and a vibrating head.

All of these new-fangled gadgets have me wondering: How exactly did my grandparents hang on to their teeth? How did my grandfather keep from having a constant 5 o’clock shadow? How did these people live without these things? They must’ve been filthy without a pulsating shower head! Are my ancestors just part of the great unwashed, unshaven, tooth-decayed masses? Not quite. The bathroom is just awash with gimmickry, and I think it’s ridiculous. If I ever go into a friends bathroom and see a vibrating disposable razor and a pack of AA batteries on the vanity where the soap used to be, thoughts of violence may cross my mind.